Sometimes you are in the middle of your world; your work, your apartment, the bus, the subway, your car, crowded streets and empty parks, tall buildings and cul-de-sacs, and you get this feeling, this slightly unsettling, confusing and overwhelming feeling that you don’t belong here. That is a feeling I know well.
It doesn’t matter if you like all these places and things, once you have this feeling you do a little inner soul-searching to find an answer to that question. If you don’t feel like you belong here, where do you think you belong? Is it the opposite of where you are now? Or is it a place you haven’t gone yet? Is it with different people or someone new? Can you belong wherever someone else belongs, and better yet, can you belong with someone else?
It’s puzzling. We’d like to think that home is where the heart is and that wherever your heart is, that is where you belong. For me, home was….. I don’t know. Long before my mother passed away I didn’t consider home the place I belonged. It was a place to stay, a place where I lived, but as soon as I went off to college, I felt like I belonged there as intransitive as that is. I didn’t belong to one room, but I knew people needed and liked me there, and I could build a future from what I took from there. But would it be my future? No.
I’ve found nothing to which I feel an overwhelming want to cling to. My apartment is just my apartment, the city is just a place to live in and explore, but this isn’t home. Have you ever felt that way? I didn’t unpack all of my things wherever I’ve lived in the last 8 years. I was comfortable but not content. And now I’m in a completely different state of mind.
What if you don’t belong to a place but rather you find yourself belonging with someone else? What if your home is where your heart is and that home is in the love you share with someone else? You cannot get insurance on this kind of home, but you are safer from the physical elements (one can hope), but you do have to watch out for the emotional ones.
It’s been a long time for me to find a home that I feel like I can belong to and now that I have it, it’s still a long, long walk to get there. But it’s a walk I do unabashedly, happily and with a sense that he will be there on the other side. And that’s all that matters.