Well it’s been a month since I wrote on this
award-winning awesomely awesome blog and I’ll tell you why. I’m in a completely different state of mind these days, I’m not despondent, I’m not trying to kill myself over my weight issues so I’m eating like a normal person (well as normal as I can), I’m not thinking about the problems I cannot change, I’m thinking about love these days. Love and its transformative power on your life. And chocolate- because chocolate does that too. But mostly I’m thinking about love.
Now this isn’t going to be some posting about how lucky I am or how wonderful the LoML is because that’s silly- everyone already knows that and honestly, I’m not that kind of person. No, there are so many different kinds of love out there, whether it’s for a person, a thing, yourself… it’s a complex concept. I’m happy and it’s shining through me; it’s noticeable in my work, my dreams, the way I wake up and the way I go to bed. It’s taken years to find this happiness that’s been missing in my life for longer than I care to remember.
I can’t tell when the happiness left me- I want to say that it was after my mom’s passing but it wasn’t. It was before then, it was when I was struggling, even more than now, with my weight and I hated myself for being so big, so ugly, so undesirable. It was amazing how that displeasure (along with so many other things) changed me and my perceptions. And I’ve always assumed since then that I’m a happy person with a lot of little unhappy thoughts, but I think I was just actually really unhappy.
And now here I am. What’s changed? I found what it is I want to do, I found reasons to get up every morning and smile, I can make pizza on my pizza stone when I want, I work out at the gym and I still wear a size 10/12 jeans, my hair cannot be tamed but it’s getting easier to love the wildness, and I am seriously in love with someone who makes everything unbelievably better- when I’m angry it’s not consuming now, when I’m sad I remember that he loves me the way I am, and when I see him, I feel like my smiles are brighter. It’s simple and it’s wonderful and it’s been a long time coming.
So ask yourself if you are happy and if the answer is no, find a way to change that. You don’t have to fall in love with a crazy European dude, but love yourself and others will follow. Don’t wait 10 years, change it now and I promise I’ll be better about my blogging.
Btw- I gave up burgers and fries for Lent. Yup.