So it’s Halloween time, the time where dressing up like someone else is not indicative of your low self-esteem and loathing and a time where candy is eaten aplenty much to your dieting chagrin. I mean it’s only Halloween once a year, gosh. Plus you don’t need to be thin in the winter time up here- you need to have as much blubber as you can to keep you warm. This not only makes sense, it’s a scientific non-biased, completely rational thought. Eat candy to stay warm through those long cold months of torturous hell delightful snow.
That said, I have a list of mean Halloween ideas. Yes, you read that right, I have a list of mean things you can do on Halloween. It’s not Christmas people- the season of giving and “merry” crap, it’s ok to be mean because it’s funny.
Mean Halloween Ideas:
1. Dress up like one of your frenemies and go to a party they attend. Not only should you tell them that you dressed up as them but you should be as annoying as their very existence. And then as you leave, you should say something like- wow I love myself so much better now.
2. If you really hate someone and you want to show it- carve a jack o’lantern to resemble their face. Then take a knife and stick it in there really deep. Then attach a note that says YOU and give it to them as a Halloween gift.
3. I think if you see anyone dressed up like Glen Beck, Bill O’Reilly or Sarah Palin you should punch them in the face. I don’t care if it’s your own grandma, we need to send a message to these people that they CAN and WILL be punched in the face…..
4. I think it would be really fun to pass out candy to kids and say “Here you go little boy, enjoy your candy now because when you get older, you’ll be a bit chubby like your daddy over there, who drinks too much and lost his hair ….”
5. Last but not least, I think it would be really cool to go to a party dressed up like yourself with some fake blood scattered on your shoes and wrists. And when people ask you what you are, say “A Murderer” nonchalantly. And they’ll probably be really scared then- which is why you should keep pointing out why some of your friends “couldn’t make it.”
So that’s my Halloween post. Last year I wrote a post about zombie survival plans, which was a really big hit and weirdos from around the world criticized that my plan lacked accuracy. My response- ummm….. zombies haven’t attacked, and sorry to disappoint you with my lack of experience?
I hope you all have a jolly Halloween and be as mean as you can because the next few holidays require cheer, happiness, and other loathsome things.
Have a SPOOKY time,