If you have read my posts, I HATE ZOMBIES. Everything about them terrifies me, and if they can run and show signs of thinking, we are doomed. So what if all of a sudden you find yourself in a zombie attack? Don’t fret too much, I’ve prepared a list of tips…..
1. My friend (a zombie expert) says you need to know the first step to survival is survival. For example, if your best friend got bitten, what would you do? The answer? You’ll have to kill them. Sorry. So when you see your best friend, look at them and then imagine they are a zombie. Be slightly aware of what you must do in order to save them from being a zombie…..
2. Notice unusual behavior. Does that person working two cubicles over look like they might be a zombie (do they look, smell and act weirder than normal?)? Do you hear strange unwarranted moaning? Have you heard people making references to wanting to “eat” someone’s flesh? Keep this in mind, one of the best steps to take in a zombie attack is being observant.
3. RUN! Get some practice running and building up endurance. Also invest in some good running shoes, you never know when zombies might strike. Perhaps you should even wear them to bed, especially if you noticed some of the signs mentioned in point 2.
4. Practice zombie walking. Also try to be less expressive of 1. emotions, and 2. rational thoughts. Zombies are irrational, they just want to eat people. Haven’t you ever felt that way? I mean not about the eating people part but irrational about something you want? Channel it
5. Invest in zombie like makeup and masks in case you need to blend in. Also, packaged liquids, foods, and plenty of chocolate. You’ll need it.
6. Take some psychology courses. You weren’t expecting this right? Well if zombies attack, and you are in a group, some people may freak out. They may need a shoulder to cry on and listen to their fears, and without someone there, they will either go crazy and kill everyone, or go nuts on the zombies and end up getting killed. So be prepared.
7. When out with friends on the town (if you are planning on sticking around that is), look at buildings and areas. Notice one that could be easier to defend should zombies attack? Mention it to friends by saying something like- “oh wow, that B&N bookstore would be a great place to go if something extremely bad happened, like, I don’t know, zombies.” And then let it slide that if zombies became a reality, that is where you would go. Leave little reminders too, just in case they forget. That way when zombies do attack, your friends will remember this and will be there with you. Isn’t that lovely?
P.S. This post should not be taken entirely seriously- in case of an actual zombie attack, please follow zombie attack guidelines provided by expert sources (which may or may not exist). Thank you.