Is it worth it?

I’ve been away far too long. I’m currently going through the insurmountable stress of moving to another country and the struggles that includes; shipping, packing (which requires a great deal of organization and planning), cleaning, selling furniture, working out the stuff with the rent people, you name it. It’s stressful. And when you go through something as stressful as this, you have to ask yourself- is it all worth it?

I think this question is relevant to our everyday lives. Let’s look at politics; recently our country has made some decisions that created other consequences that created an atmosphere that will be difficult for the American people. Now, I know I can get political on here because well, it is my blog, but not everyone is of the same mind. But I will say this, until our country increases revenues on the upper class, we aren’t going to get much better. So I ask Speaker Boehner, was it worth it? Apparently he got what he was looking for, or “98%” he says. Our country has gone down in credit rating, my taxes have increased, my student loans have worsened regardless of what I’m paying every month, people are struggling and I assure you, we didn’t get 98% of what we want. But I digress. 

Currently, there is rioting in London and people are losing their frickin’ minds. Now it is one thing to protest the alleged wrongful death of a citizen, it is another to riot and burn down your city. Is it worth it?

I have friends who have been damn near impossible to communicate with, and not for the lack of trying. I put myself out there, and in the end, I’ve been coming back empty-handed and friendless. I’ve been made to feel guilty about my love life, my success or lack of it sometimes, my job choices, my “irresponsibility”, my money, my life….. and I’m not sure if it is self-dislike or jealousy, but either way, it hurts. And I have to cut them out of my life, and that includes some of my so-called family. When you are loved by someone, you don’t mind losing the people who don’t love you, don’t care about you, don’t even like you. People need to look at themselves more in the mirror and ask some serious questions like- is it worth it?

Moving to another country, uprooting my nearly non-existent roots, learning a new language and preparing for unemployment is scary. It’s like a fresh new puzzle only I don’t have all the pieces yet. Terrifying, yet requiring a bit of faith. Is it worth it? I’m in love with someone who makes my life better than it ever has been. I know who I’d be without him and that person would be ok, but this person I am now is much better than ok because of him. So is it worth it? Yes, because he is worth it. And how many people can you say that about in your life and actually mean it?


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It Really Isn’t Complicated

I’ve been told so many times that love is a complicated thing that constantly needs work and communication to grow, and that simplifying these feelings could inevitably be their downfall. But I don’t believe that, and nor should anyone else. Love is not complicated, and love is the basis of the most important relationships in your life. Love is easy; you either do or you don’t, you have the possibility or the inability. Make up your mind!

I can say that honestly, love has never been tough for me. Entering into a relationship where my other half is an ocean (and a few countries) apart, has a completely different culture, never expected to be with someone like me….. that is tough but it’s not complicated.  I could have been with someone else, someone close by, someone American and black, but then I would have never known this amazing great guy that I want to spend my life with. And that guy loves me, regardless of all these obstacles in our way. He could have chosen any other girl in the world and he still chose me. It was never complicated.

Complicated is the lazy person’s way of saying difficult or dysfunctional. Yes, there are difficulties, and sometimes you have to question if it is all worth it, but for me, the answer was always an uncomplicated yes. When one chapter of your life ends poorly, another chapter begins in an unexpectedly hopeful way. My story is very long already and I’m only in the first 1/3rd now, but I have the choice of making it powerful and fantastic, or lame and depressing. Which would you choose? To make it difficult and miserable because you told yourself it’s too complicated to be easy and happy, or to just give all you have and go with the best attitude you can muster? I hope you choose the latter because it’s the choice I made, and so far, the best choice I’ve made in life.

So no, love isn’t complicated- the world is and love just makes it a whole lot simpler.

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I may be a year older but I’m not old!

And here is why:

1.  I know who Justin Bieber is and although I don’t like his music and think he is young whippersnapper, at least I know Baby, Baby, Baby ooooooo.

2. Although I dislocated and had hip surgery already, I’m mostly in shape and stuff.

3. Sometimes I DO find music to be too loud and it does hurt my ears but mostly I’m alright with that.

4. If I fall I can pick myself up, instead of having that Ooops I’ve fallen and I can’t get up necklace thing.

5. I can cook for myself and shower myself. Although I do like when the German does this too.

6. I never say things like: that is whack, what up homie, and other not really popular slang. Um, hello I’m black AND I’m kinda cool.

7. I’m a librarian and although that is the career choice of old white women, I rock at it and teenagers love me. In a non-perverted way.

8. Although I’m full of wisdom and crap, there are times when I don’t know a lot of things. In fact, I don’t know a lot of things but I’m willing to learn. That means I’m not old like that old lady Louise who lived across the street and thought she knew everything but couldn’t clip her own toenails and she lectured me often but all I could do was look at those nasty toenails. And of course she yelled at me for getting purple paint on her house in a disastrous room-painting experience but that’s a different story. I didn’t know paint could fly across the street like that, so see? I don’t know a lot of things.

9.  Last but not least, I still have a lot to do before I fully grow up. I still have no absolute plan but I’m going with the flow.

Love all of you, thanks for the birthday wishes, and I love you German-Pants!!!

Here’s to another year.

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Friendship and Burning Bridges

The last few weeks have been literally eye-opening; first of all I’m sleeping more which means I can be more attentive, and for another, it’s the time when people who have been hibernating all winter come forth to be “friends” again. And let me tell you now, prepare yourself for my new rule in life (and the German will not like this because he is all about harmony); if you ignore me when I message you, if you are too busy to write, call, Facebook message, tweet at me, ask me how I’m doing….. then I most likely don’t consider you my friend and your bridge to me has been burned.

Everyone is on notice starting now, if I make the effort and the effort is not returned in a timely manner, consider your bridge not only burned but most likely, irreparable. I will not apologize for this. In the last year I have been making some amazing strives which I do recall writing about on this here blog that I would be less flakey, more caring and crap. Well I held up my end of the bargain, so my feelings should come as no surprise.

I’ve lost significant pieces of my life- family, friends, home, money, pride, happiness…. so I’m trying to create a new life full of love, new family, new and old friends, success that isn’t always measured in money, pride in being a good person, and happiness from all these new things. That is how a person survives, adapt or be miserable. And I’m not one for sinking into misery.

Despite my sometimes massive sometimes insignificant issues, I’m trying. And this summer is the last I will have in NYC, the US, for a possibly long time so I want to have fun and not think about my losses, the people who have hurt my feelings, couldn’t make it to the important events in my life, couldn’t find the time to say hello, couldn’t find the time to respond or to even care. I may not be the best person in the world, or even a great friend sometimes, but I always care make no mistake of that.

There will be enough bridges burning in the immediate future, so now it’s time to live with that, enjoy the summer, build new bridges and maintain the long- standing ones. You know there is a saying that it is hard in life to know which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn, but now I believe that if you burn a bridge it is best to hope that the light well help you build another.

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The Leading Lady Reminisces

Of all the places I’ve been, the people I’ve met, the losses and the gains, the moments of absolute joy and resounding misery, some things have really struck me. Some places are among the prettiest in my world; the Boston Gardens are full of memories especially reading books on the bench by swan boats, sitting on the rocks leading into the ocean at Colt State Park while watching the sunset, eating noodles with the German in St. Stephen’s Park in Dublin and laughing at his poor chopstick skills, walking in the sleepy village of Carmel with my apple friend, eating a fruit tart alone at the top of the Skylon Tower overlooking Niagara Falls, walking the boardwalk in Virginia Beach, and eating fudge while listening to that crazy music at WaterFire.

I may have been only a few places in my life, yet I’ve met so many people. The times that were especially chaotic were often the best times of my life; being an RA at South Hall was literally insane, being a pastry chef at the Athenaeum was intense but I met some amazing- lifelong- talented friends, moving to Florida and being thrown into student housing with international students and graduates that partied every night and somehow made it to class…. these were some of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

There are still so many places to go and people to meet and I don’t know who I would be if I didn’t experience the things I have. I wouldn’t be the person writing this post or enjoying the people and places I’ve been. That wasn’t me. I had people whispering things in my ear very early on in life telling me I’m not a nice person, not a good person, not a smart person… I’m a bitch. No one likes me. For a long time I believed that, when you are seven years-old and someone tells you this is how/who you will be, you don’t know how to shape yourself. I’m ashamed of that.

Everything flipped upside down when I experienced my biggest loss; I’m not a bitch at all, in fact I’m the exact opposite, and I am smart, and I am a good person. And I’m not as strong or as self-serving as I thought I was. I am the person I want to be, and anyone who tells me different can hit the road. No one has that power anymore to make me feel guilt for pursuing my dreams or traveling across distances to make my own adventures. I have no one to answer to but myself, and that is strength. So maybe I am a strong person and I always have been, but my strength is that I can see my own weaknesses and appreciate them for what they are.

I am the strong person who will see new places, place my heart in the hands of someone else (and I trust he’ll keep it safe and intact too), learn new things because I can never stop learning, and I will be the leading lady in my life. Awesome dresses, bad singing, sobfests, crazy dance parties, and unbelievably good food. And did I mention a handsome boyfriend who I just celebrated my anniversary with just a few days ago? I think I have leading lady written all over me.

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10 Signs You Are in Love

I was reading this article the other day about foods to make with kids that are picky, because you know, I love my work, when I caught this link at the bottom titled: 10 Signs He’s in Love With You. So naturally I read it, and thought about if the LoML shows these “signs.” Because that is what women do.

I was reading this and I was feeling pretty bored with it. You could learn all these things from movies and from actually spending time with your dude. But what about these awesome scientific signs that someone is in love with you, or rather you are in love with someone? I think it’s time I write my own signs for how you know you really love and want to be with someone. And this will not be some fluff piece unlike that stupid article. Mine will be scientific and sound. Please note the previous sarcasm.

1. You don’t want to punch them in the face when they burp right by your ear while you are watching the final episode of Top Chef. You just shrug it off. Before this would incense you to an overly irate state of violence. But now, eh, who cares?

2. You pick up their clothes on the floor, you fold it up, and put it away and you still hum this little cleaning tune in your head. Like this is a normal activity. Before you would simply throw their stuff out of the window.

3. When they grab their fork and stick it into your food, you don’t get mad that they didn’t ask and that they are eating your first and only meal of the day. No. You actually care that they are eating and you might even want to know their opinion of the myriad of flavors cascading through their senses in every bite.

4. You are never too tired to kick their ass at Wii Bowling, even if you have been at work all day and possibly rescued a puppy from a burning building.

5. On the same note, you are never too tired to perform certain things like…. back massages.

6. Even at night in your wildest dreams of being a rockstar or a badass zombie killer, he/she is there and you love them. Just to clarify, in your dreams you could be with Edgar Ramirez, but instead you are still with them. Your reality is also your fantasy. That’s frickin’ love.

7. When they are upset, you want to help in any way you can. No matter what sacrifices you have to make, no matter how much of an ass you need to make of yourself. You want them to be happy, because their happiness gives you happiness. Which is lame but true.

8. You are willing to share your chocolate bar with them. Maybe this isn’t a big deal for some people, but if I share my chocolate bar with someone, I really, really care about them.

9. Unlike with some people you see that make you hum the Darth Vader Imperial March, when you see him/her you get this warm fuzzy feeling and you have to smile.

10. You feel like you’ve won the lottery, because by some divine intervention, you have met the person you are going to (hopefully) spend your life with, and probably you shouldn’t push it by wanting to be rich and famous next. And that’s ok.

That is all.

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My Random Hate List

I was walking down the street in my sinus-infection-too-much-stress induced haze, when I thought about the things in life that I really, unjustifiably despise. I wish it were just peas, but nope, it’s so much more than that. Which is why I decided to share this with you.

My Random Hate List:

1. Jennifer Aniston. Yeah I said it, I just don’t like her. I’m sorry J-An fans.

2. Being late.

3. I hate that sugary sweets will never be good for you. I HATE THAT!

4. Creamed corn.

5. People posing in every picture with a peace sign.

6. When you repeatedly keep dropping your keys while trying to open the door.

7. How every girl on Vampire Diaries loves Stephen even though Damon is way cuter and definitely could use the lovin’.

8. People who stand/sit/ just physically are too close to me. I may never know you, but I hate you for intruding on my space.

9. People who keep calling you and don’t leave a message so you don’t know what they want but you don’t want to call them or answer because you just mentally don’t want to “deal” with them.

10. When people think it’s funny to slam someone’s head into a cake or have a food fight. Food ain’t cheap and someone worked on making it! This also goes for people who throw away food, or refuse to learn to cook food.

11. These movies: Dirty Dancing, Grease, American History X, the fourth Indiana Jones movie,  Avatar, and High School Musical.

12. The African-American Literature section at bookstores. We went through a whole Civil Rights movement to get integrated, can we please integrate our books?

13. Westboro Baptist Church. No one, let me repeat that, NO ONE deserves to have their funeral picketed.  Morgan Freeman doesn’t care about such things like gay marriage or transgendered people, if he did, he would not have created them that way. How many people have to be born different and chastised before idiots realize that if God creates all people, he created them to be how they want to be. But I’m pretty sure MF aka God does care about disrespect or not accepting differences among many things, so you better watch out Westboro Baptist Church.

14. I hate that after a week of intense exercise, you don’t really see a difference. Yes, I know things take time, but wouldn’t it be great that if you vehemently work out and eat properly, you should look the way you want to look?

15. I hate that shopping is so unbelievably hard when you have a very curvy body. And no I’m not saying that as a fat person, because I think I’ve surpassed those days. I’m saying this as a size 12 hourglass figure who cannot find jeans tight enough at the waist that fit over my thighs. Can you please make clothes for all shapes please? Thank you.

16. Just in case you forgot: peas.

See you next time.

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