Alliedow's Blog

It’s that time of year again when city sidewalks, busy sidewalks are dressed in holiday style (expensively so), chestnuts are roasting over an open fire of DOOM, and annoying jingle bells are all over the frickin’ place, resulting in headaches and impossibly long sentences like this one. This is also the time when my wallet looks bare and I begin to think about moving to Guam. But then also, I realize that I will want to buy a hut in Guam and harvest mangoes, all of which costs money. In the end, I agree to stick it out without moving to Guam because I know that I can’t harvest mangoes.

So when I look at my empty wallet, every year I think- Oh I should get a second job, but then immediately after I go, no, too lazy. So then I get a lot of harebrained ideas like, I’ll make hats, one year I thought I could make trendy ballet flats, sell loaves of bread and jars of jam, or even help plan winter weddings. But again, I can’t really sew, and my idea of trendy is colorful buttons, and who really wants to buy loaves of bread and jars of jam from a crazy nobody, who will don an old English accent in the streets, screaming BREAD, BREAD for sale!! And also, I’ve never even been to a wedding and I don’t really like overly happy events or people….

Therefore, I’ve decided that in order to pay for everything this year, I am going involuntarily on a Special K cereal diet. Yup it’s true. First, there was a sale on Special K, next, I can no longer afford groceries for the next two weeks. Will I survive? Stay tuned for later this week…..

Allie

P.S. If I seem crazier next post, it’s the cereal going to my head.

Have you ever been torn between two separate loves (I’m not talking significant others, this isn’t the Twilight series ok?)? When it comes to careers, it’s a path that unfolds only as I step ahead, there is no way to see the road and it’s all about going in blind. Each day and each year is a complete surprise to me. Sometimes that’s a good thing, it’s great not to have everything planned, but I’ll admit it creates some anxiety about the future. And it makes me realize that I have two options really…..

Libraries and food. These are the things that interest me the most in my professional life. So much so that I get terribly confused as to what I should be doing forever. So I have created a list of career choices I know that I would be superbly awesome at and absolutely qualified for if things don’t work out the way I want them to. And I took some advice- I’m using funny pictures as a companion to my ideas, ridiculously fun.

List of Really-Kind-Of-Good Careers:

1. Vampire Slayer- I know I can do this one, unless there is a super cute vampire that wants to be friends when I attempt to kill him, and then we become friends only to discover that we aren’t that different and maybe love is about accepting the undead.

2. Cookbook Author- Of course I would be good at this one, it combines food and writing. The only hard part would be making my recipes normal. The whole process is- I have to think everything is a disaster that I have to fix, and then it becomes this new creation of awesomeness. I’m the backwards approach to baking, first cookbook title: From Disaster to Dessert, compliments of Chef Lavornia.

3. Elephant Tamer- do we need an explanation for this?

4. Ancient Acquisitions Librarian- yeah this doesn’t exist yet, but if it did exist the way I want it to, I would be like Noah Wylie in The Librarian; finding ancient artifacts all around the world, and thwarting evil conspirators who want to use these powers to take over the world.  I would be way cool and I would wear impossibly awesome shoes.

5. Matchmaker- I could bring even the most reluctant and unlucky people together into a harmonious union that will change the world of love. I love love, and it makes me really happy when everyone else is happy in love. I could be like Will Smith in Hitch, isn’t that wonderful?

6. Time Traveler- I haven’t worked this one out yet, but all in due time.

7. Pastry Chef for Morgan Freeman- I really think he and I could be best friends. We just haven’t met yet…

8. Food Critic- Actually I did this job before, and it ROCKED! I loved it. The money is nice, and the food is usually pretty good, unless it’s not which I would write about in a witty sometimes scathing way. Man do I miss being witty and scathing. Only problem is, saying NO to eating everything. This is really hard.

9. Person who puts music to fit scenes in a movie….. what is their title? I want that job, I love music, and I really like watching movies.

10. Professional Bocce Player- oh you didn’t know you could go Pro in this sport? Well you can’t, but if the game ever became wildly popular, you better believe I’m the best. And ok, so what, I know only old European men play this game, but it’s not that crazy. Really.

I also think I would make a fairly good ghost hunter (if I could stop being so terrified of the idea that ghosts could exist), bakery owner, zombie consultant, gourmand, fiction writer, news reporter, low-key and often off beat comedian, anything on the food network (seriously, I’m waiting for their call any day), food writer, fake Australian accented Safari narrator, and word creator for dictionary companies. That’s all I’ve got for now, but the good news is- I will definitely have a surprising future…..

Allie

Teacher- “Are you paying attention Ms. Dow?”

Me- “I am paying such close attention that I can do nothing else…”

Teacher- “Ok, so answer the question…”

Me- “I currently have no appropriate response to your question as I am unable to ascertain the extent of  knowledgeable information on the subject. Please feel free to ask me again after several minutes of quiet reflection.”

The teacher, seriously named Mrs. Robinson (I got in trouble for singing the song to her too many times) laughed hysterically. I remember the look she gave me as I went on to say that, word for word.  It was disbelief, mixed with pride, mixed with humor. She patted me on the shoulder when she stopped laughing, and said “don’t ever change.”

Years later, and I haven’t changed. I’ve grown up, I think, feel and know more, but the foundation is the same. I’m a crazy thinker, who sometimes wishes that my thoughts could be inside of the box. I mean, I know the box is there, I can touch it and it looks really nice, but my invitation has been lost in the mail FOREVER.  Again, I hate post offices.

The moral of the story is, you can’t change everything, no matter how hard you try. And some of the things you want to change actually make you who you are, so why would you ever want to change that? I say bad people discriminate, normal people tolerate, great people appreciate. And the worst people are the ones who create their own, unofficial box for you and force you into it. Those are the boxes of doom.

Whether you can be inside THE box, or outside of it, like me, be grateful that you were never boxed in. Be grateful you have a choice, to either think crazy (and really I’m not that crazy despite what some of you say, it’s normal to come up with zombie preparedness plans!) or think inside the box, at least you can think for yourself. At least you still know who you are. Don’t be so quick to change.

Allie

Ok, let’s be honest, I can be a bit crazy. The first step is admitting  it, right? Although I have no intention of being less crazy, that would be like asking the sky to be any other color but blue, sometimes I embrace it more willingly, especially when I am feeling particularly low.

And thus, for many years, when life gets tough and sad, I get into my nuddy-pants, and begin dancing and singing like a maniac, maniac, on the  floor. And I’m dancing like I never danced before?…  I might have stolen that from Flashdance, but you catch my drift. I suggest you all do this at some point, but note that this should NEVER be done in front of others, and you will need to move items that may prevent nuddy-pants dancing (i.e. furniture, shoes, cat).

The point is, when you get sad, depressed, despondent, miserable, melancholic, dismal, forlorn, woebegone, blue (there are a lot of words for this), find something that makes you happy again, even if it involves making a complete fool of yourself. Embarrassment is something I think we all fear, believe me it’s on my mind quite often, but it’s temporary like all things.

That’s something I have learned more as of late;  if you feel heartache, loss, failure, they all pass. Some faster than others, but nothing is the end of the world. That’s the greatest thing about life- it goes on, usually with you. So just dance in your nuddy-pants and find a new way to embrace each day, even when your mind is elsewhere, your feet are still on the ground, waiting.

Allie a.k.a Nuddy-Pants Expert

So I was thinking (EATING) a lot over this past weekend I spent in Napa, and I felt really inspired. Ok, so I did do a fair amount of eating, (I had the BEST scallops EVER) and drinking (marvelous Napa wines from Chardonnay to Pinot Grigio reigned supreme!) but I swear, I never forgot about you, my happy readers and WordPress. If anything you were always on my mind, not in that creepy Elvis way, but you know in that, awww I love you way.

So anyway, I was out in Napa, looking at stuff, eating lots of stuff, spending time with an old friend, when I got hit with an epiphany. I mean do you get hit with them? I guess some people just have them, but mine was like a wayward frisbee that hit me straight in the head. Except I didn’t fall or break anything this time, or hear shouting like hey watch out for that... and then you know, BAM it smacks you in the head. Yeah that didn’t happen, but back to the epiphany. I realized there are three types of people in the world- the people who get it, the people who don’t, and those who vacillate between indifference or interest. When it comes to humor, I get it. I enjoy the nuances of sarcasm, saying absolutely insane things, making jokes, and laughing. Laughter is the best medicine for so many different ailments, and I sometimes think life itself is an ailment that needs laughter as a remedy. It’s a hindrance; we won’t take risks, we don’t always chase after what we want, we eat low-carb all veggie meals, and we safeguard ourselves, especially with love. Why? Because life is the longest thing we will ever do, and we want to make it meaningful, we don’t want to embarrass ourselves, and we want to preserve ourselves even if we have to make sacrifices. I get it.

Like the movie The Holiday (my favorite), sometimes you have to go somewhere new, outside of your realm both physically and mentally to find the many faces of yourself. You are never exactly as you think you are; when you go somewhere new, you find that you are funnier, smarter, happier, etc. than you were back where you were, and why? Because you get to refresh, break out of the conformity and experience something new. For me, it’s those things that make me the happy, fun-loving, crazy thinking person I am that I found on this trip. There are so many negative distractions that can take you down and make you forget yourself to the point that when you look in the mirror, you are surprised at the person staring back. Deep right? It’s true. I want to remember my face, my personality, and I needed to say that’s it, I quit, I’m moving on.

So purge those things that bring you down, tell them you quit, (maybe not your job, times are tough), but that guy/girl who makes you suffer, that diet that is making you sleepy and unfulfilled (there are always better ways, I’m proof of that), people who aren’t really your friends, and other stupid things like mailing packages out when you frickin’ hate the post office. (That’s just me though). Anyway, move on to new places, new and old great friends, new things, because you never want to be left behind with the old things that never made you happy. And don’t forget to laugh. Be the person who gets it.

Allie

If you have read my posts, I HATE ZOMBIES.  Everything about them terrifies me, and if they can run and show signs of thinking, we are doomed. So what if all of a sudden you find yourself in a zombie attack? Don’t fret too much, I’ve prepared a list of tips…..

My tips to surviving ZOMBIE REVOLUTION:

1. My friend (a zombie expert) says you need to know the first step to survival is survival. For example, if your best friend got bitten, what would you do? The answer? You’ll have to kill them. Sorry. So when you see your best friend, look at them and then imagine they are a zombie. Be slightly aware of what you must do in order to save them from being a zombie…..

2. Notice unusual behavior. Does that person working two cubicles over look like they might be a zombie (do they look, smell and act weirder than normal?)? Do you hear strange unwarranted moaning? Have you heard people making references to wanting to “eat” someone’s flesh? Keep this in mind, one of the best steps to take in a zombie attack is being observant.

3. RUN! Get some practice running and building up endurance. Also invest in some good running shoes, you never know when zombies might strike. Perhaps you should even wear them to bed, especially if you noticed some of the signs mentioned in point 2.

4. Practice zombie walking.  Also try to be less expressive of 1. emotions, and 2. rational thoughts. Zombies are irrational, they just want to eat people. Haven’t you ever felt that way? I mean not about the eating people part but irrational about something you want? Channel it

5. Invest in zombie like makeup and masks in case you need to blend in. Also, packaged liquids, foods, and plenty of chocolate. You’ll need it.

6. Take some psychology courses. You weren’t expecting this right? Well if zombies attack, and you are in a group, some people may freak out. They may need a shoulder to cry on and listen to their fears, and without someone there, they will either go crazy and kill everyone, or go nuts on the zombies and end up getting killed. So be prepared.

7. When out with friends on the town (if you are planning on sticking around that is), look at buildings and areas. Notice one that could be easier to defend should zombies attack? Mention it to friends by saying something like- “oh wow, that B&N bookstore  would be a great place to go if something extremely bad happened, like, I don’t know, zombies.” And then let it slide that if zombies became a reality, that is where you would go. Leave little reminders too, just in case they forget. That way when zombies do attack, your friends will remember this and will be there with you. Isn’t that lovely?

Hope these tips help you!!! And HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Allie

P.S. This post should not be taken entirely seriously- in case of an actual zombie attack, please follow zombie attack guidelines provided by expert sources (which may or may not exist). Thank you.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far, away, there was a young writer who had this amazing ability to write well. She could write meaningful, funny, satirical, and honest pieces that people enjoyed reading. She was thoughtful, and never afraid of how people felt about her writing, her opinions or even her. I admired this writer because she had then what I want now; the inability to be affected by the negative.

It’s said that artists use their pain to inspire their work. Jane Austen was alone in life, and she used her romantic notions to pen seven literary works that inspired love. That old writer I knew, could take even the most humiliating, painful experiences and turn them into a comedy with heart.

Once she wrote The Guide to Puddle Jumping;  an unpublished and I believe unfinished, piece of work. In it she said, “I’ve always viewed life as a series of puddles waiting to be jumped in.” She went on to say that puddles were unique because you can look at a puddle and sometimes have no idea how deep it is until you jump in. You don’t know how big of a splash it will make, but you do know  that at one point you are going to jump and there will be a splash. You could get dirty, or you could be refreshed.  But all in all, there are no guarantees in puddle jumping. Because there are no guarantees in life. And I agree with her;  the sooner you realize that nothing is guaranteed, the more you can understand and appreciate life.

Now this is not intended as a sad post, because it isn’t sad. It’s a reflection I am sharing with you because well, every so often we have to pause and reflect. We have to take time to collect ourselves, feel what we need to feel, and move forward from there. To be painfully honest, I am in the process of reminding myself of those things that make me the happy, fun seeking, food loving, and crazy thinking person I am. Because I have every intention of moving forward. There is nothing but the remains of splashed puddles behind me,  and I think a big rainstorm is coming.  Hope you brought your boots.

Allie

You know when everything is going fine for a good while until BOOM(!) an explosion happens that shakes and quakes you, and makes you aware of all the little things in life that just drive you crazy?! Well this has happened to me recently, so I am going to share with you some of the things I truly despise.

A list of Unspeakable Horrors!

1. People that lick all of their fingers in a row while eating.

2. People who walk really slow while you are on your way somewhere, and then they look at you like you are rude for passing them, but come on, you are walking really slow and I need to get somewhere!

3 . When people  say, I know, after you tell them something they clearly DID NOT know.

4. Peas.

5.  People who put salt, ketchup, sugar, mustard, etc. on top of their food without tasting it first.

6. People who say, I (Allie) don’t have deep thoughts. I HAVE DEEP THOUGHTS! I have deep thoughts all the time. I am a deep person. I like deep things.

7.  The entire state of New Hampshire.

8. Angry Christmas shoppers that hit, poke, bite (yes bite) you in the attempt to get the last box of Special Edition Christmas Cap’n Crunch. Look, I really like this cereal, and tis the season to be jolly, not violent over a cereal box. But if we must….

9. Geese.

10. People who take 8 years (wild exaggeration) to decide between items in a store, especially grocery stores. Usually this happens only when they are standing in front of something I really want.

11. Serious things like racism, warped and biased views, ethnocentric attitudes, narrow-mindedness, poor manners, and the amalgamation of all these things- Fox News. (sorry but it’s true)

12. People who don’t laugh or find things funny, or also don’t understand sarcasm. And the glares they often give me.

13. Zombies, primarily zombies that run.

14. Words like- sure, whatever, and statements like- whatever Allie, you sure are crazy.

15. Lastly, giant beach balls. You already know why.

Allie

I read a lot, oftentimes when I should be doing something more productive like papers I need to write in order to graduate. But alas, if I did everything I am supposed to do in the cookie-cutter shape that is my time these days, I would lose my mind. Nevertheless, I was reading the food blog 101 Cookbooks by Heidi Swanson and it reminded me of one of the dreams I have….

Writing, living, learning, creating, and connecting with food. Eating is pretty awesome too, but nothing is better than being mesmerized by good food. Sometimes I will just look at it in wonder, questioning how it came to be- who made this? How did they know all of this stuff would go together? What techniques were used? These are good questions for marvelous chefs who create art behind those swinging doors in the kitchen.

What makes food so beautiful? The nature of it for one. Looking at natural ingredients that were ok on their own, but together they can become a masterpiece. It’s like love. You are ok on your own, but when you may find someone that complements you, it’s a masterpiece in the making. Isn’t that a romantic notion? Of course, you may indeed find someone that brings out the worst in you, and like food, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. But it amazes me how similar such things are in life. Food, love, art. To attest to my amazement, I wrote a love letter. Simple and sweet, just the way I like it.

Dear Food,

You inspire me. I cannot live without you. I am so happy to have you in my life because everyday is a reason to start with a smile, just knowing I will see your many forms, taste your many flavors, feel your many textures. You are forever changing, but to me you will always be the same. You make me who I am, and for that I owe you so much. I will never take you for granted. And how could I?

Although it’s not always easy sharing, I would willingly give you to every person in the world, so that they could love you just as much as I do. Because if they did, some would not waste you so often, others would take joy in your long-awaited presence, and most would know and feel just how much you mean to them.

You are precious. You are my love, the extra pep in my step, and literally the apple of my eye. You are cooler than any cucumber, the cream of any crop, the top banana, and the greatest thing before and after sliced bread. You are beautiful, and you make me feel good head to toe. I love you.

Allie

Ok, I admit, I love Queen but mostly because of the Fat-Bottomed Girls song. Because I have a fat-bottom. I can relate.  But back to Queen, every time someone tells me they are riding a bicycle, or hey look there is a bicycle, or oh did you see that bicycle,  I start singing ALOUD like a crazy person, BICYCLE, BICYCLE, BICYCLE, I WANT TO RIDE MY…..

Which is why I have dedicated a post to some of my idiosyncratic thoughts.

1.  Since I was a kid, I have wanted to be Indiana Jones. My mother told me that I couldn’t be him after I fell out of a tree again. (I fell a lot). So, in order to be like Indiana, when I find myself bored, I hum the theme song so I feel like I am doing something exciting. Weirdly, I hum it quite loudly and often times when people are talking. Is this a problem? (I also hum the Darth Vader/Imperial March Theme aloud when I think or see people I don’t like, and yes I sometimes accidentally do this to their face….)

2.  I always thought it would be a good idea to hold a  murder mystery dinner party, and invite a real murderer. That way it would really be suspenseful. But I don’t want to go to it, and I don’t want my friends there either. And also, I want this to be done by stupid celebrities that decide to film it.

3. I think, especially when I am in a room full of people and I am bored, that it would be really intense if people with glasses and people without glasses go to war. Would the people without glasses win just by knocking the glasses off people, or would the people with glasses win because they have better hearing due to their disadvantage in seeing?

4. Sometimes when I watch scary movies, and I am very afraid, I imagine some of the X-Men showing up and then I think, what now evil murderer/beast thing?

5.  When someone says hey, I have a story to tell you- I automatically feel dread. Why didn’t they just tell me the story without telling me that they were going to tell me? So while they are telling me the story I think about whether the story is going to be funny or sad, or long. I hate long stories. By the time the story is over, I realize that I didn’t even know what it was about.

6. I think it would be really cool if librarians became vampires, because then they would be eternally knowledgeable and the stacks would always be neat, tidy, and organized, and we would never have to worry about sun damage.

7. Lastly, I find myself asking, why can’t I think normal things? Why can’t I be like everyone else? But I may never find an answer. And maybe that’s ok, because boring is one thing I’m incapable of embracing.

Allie